On All SHIPS…

It is in my nature to care about my friends. It is in my nature to help them whenever I can because in a way, I make them happy and that makes me happy.

I always listen to my friends. There are times when I notice that they come to me to ask for advice or just plainly, to tell me of their problems because I’m always there to listen to them.

I spend time with my friends as much as I can. When they ask me to hang out, I always make it a point to say “yes” as possible as I can. I always come to their aid. I always answer their calls when they tell me about their sudden problems prior the call or just few minutes before the call.

I have always given advice even though I haven’t experienced what I ask them to do about their problems. I base everything on the experiences of others and I don’t keep that information to them.

There are times when in one full day, two to three friends call me or text me to ask for advice or to tell me their problems. To sum it up, I have always… always been there.

Before, I have always believed that you have to share to others of what you have and what you are without thinking of anything in return. It was like, practically my whole life that it remained to be one of my principles in life. Because in doing so, as what my mom always tell me, I will receive ten folds of what I give. I will have good karma for that. Well, it basically is true because it happens to me.

But lately…

Or let’s just say, few years ago, the people whom I have given my trust and my loyalty and my care and I consider them as very valuable people in my life, just seemed to have forgotten… me.

I know I sound or might sound selfish but these people…these friends… seem to have lost… me.

My principle to give and give and give now has a scar to it. This time, I felt I wasn’t appreciated.

There. Appreciated. The only thing that I want to get back to me.

I don’t feel that they appreciated all the things that I’ve done to them. And the more they ask me for advice and the more they tell me their problems… the more I felt less open with them. It was always… always… about them. It’s like I have no chance to tell them how I feel. Okay. This might sound soooo…. confusing but here’s an example.

Friend: I feel so used right now. It’s like he’s just using me to be his trophy girlfriend and I felt so left out when we’re out with friends. But well, it’s okay. I have realized that I need to break up with him.

Me: I guess that’s a good idea. I mean, you have to think of yourself first. You know.. when I was with my ex – boyfriend Allan, I also feel that. It’s like he’s not seeing me as his –

Friend: Like, totally I’m very sure that I must break up with him. Do you really think that it’s a good idea?

Me: Oh. Um. Yeah I think so.

Yep. That’s what happens. And the conversation goes on without my friend knowing all about Allan and me.

It’s just so frustrating, you know. I love my friends. I value them so much, they’re like my family. But sometimes, being with them makes me feel so… closed up. So hidden. My feelings are at a constant hide out because they always want me to be who they want me to be. Fun, jolly, bubbly, happy go lucky, all smiles sweet girl, no problem child and everything. But they simply just don’t know… me.

And when I’m the one who wanted to hang out with them, all I get were a series of rejects. Busy here, busy there. No time, no money, and all those excuses. Some are true but… after telling the truth, they don’t give something of a comeback. I mean, if you’re not available today or to the designated time or date, you give an alternative, right? Like, “I’m sorry I can’t make it today. But I’ll make it up to you next time. Next week, are you good with that?” and all those things.

I also understand that… people change. People will definitely change. That not all people will do the same accustomed things they used to be before. People are bound to change. But… does friendship also change? If you, as a person, changes, are you also going to change the state of your friendship? Are you also going to compromise the people involved in your friendship? Are you going to constantly say to a dear friend, “I changed. So.. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”? Is it not simple to just say, “I changed. I can’t hang out normally now but I will always make it up to you.”

I have read a statement from a book or an interview I guess that… in any relationship, the duration of the time you’ve spent together should be equal to the duration of  the time you don’t spend with each other. I guess this is true. This is… balance.

Okay. I know I sounded kind of… demanding and possessive but… I feel this is how any relationship or friendship should work. Compromise. Trust. Understanding. Loyalty. Each is contributing to the friendship or relationship. There shouldn’t be only one doing the effort to spend time to the other person in a relationship or friendship. It should be both of you or all of you. Everyone must have a contribution. If one fails to contribute or to make an effort to the relationship or friendship, it will crumble. You have to make it work. It’s not as simple as… just let it flow. Because it is always gonna be your choice if you’re going to let it flow or to let it be stagnant.

I guess most relationships or friendships ended because of this. I hope everyone should have it in their hearts to value any relationship you have. Value it as long as you can and as much as you can. There is no more wonderful than being with the people you love and who loves you and a God that you all or both commit to.

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